Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
