I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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