I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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