remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
17 year olds will be the death of me.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
