My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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