The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Text me some of your sweat
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