Pappa wants mamma naked
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
