do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
