Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
