i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
