turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
