I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
