You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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