Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
