my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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