Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
