thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
