My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
