drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
we're so committed to being not committed
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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