I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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