the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
