Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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