Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
