you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
