Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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