Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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