im six kinds of drunk right now
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
YAS. BRING CRAB.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
