And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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