if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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