My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
