My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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