Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
