My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
