I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My brain says no but my pants say off.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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