someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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