the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
