Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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