when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
