That's when you crack a 10am beer
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
