he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
