Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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