I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
