I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
