I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
