your thong is hanging out like whoa
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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