He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
