I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
