Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
