So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
