i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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