everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
